Largest review dump in HISTORY.

Oh long lost and almost forgotten blog, how I have neglected you. Instead of updating you with my countless and often unfounded opinions I have: not gone to the gym once, ate an entire box of Ferrero Rochers, nuzzled the shit out of one Sarah Hamilton, and spent every spare second of my day watching a mix of Christmas movies, teen drama television shows and MTV reality shows (ily jersey shore). But now I must atone for my absence by writing a review of ALL the movies I have seen in theatres since my last review. This is a hardship I must overcome to prove my devotion to my little bloglet. Brimming with the sustenance garnered from about 6 Ferrero’s, I will crack my knuckles and give my little fingers a stretch before attacking the task at hand.

Paranormal Activity



Before I begin I should probably inform anyone reading this that Blair Witch Project didn’t really scare me at all. I’m beginning to think that these indie horror films have absolutely no effect on me. I do almost pee my pants from watching Are You Afraid of the Dark and virtually any other horror film but these low budget productions fail to even illicit a squeak. I think it’s because I spend the entire film thinking about the technical side of it all. I wonder how they filmed the really creepy scenes instead of focusing on how creepy they are. Or maybe it’s because my good pal Michele has shown me countless videos and photos of “real” ghosts that leave me petrified at bed time. I am literally clutching the blankets to my neck, heart a’ racing, listening absurdly close for the slightest ghoulish noise. *shudder* Even the Google image search for this post is making me feel a little anxious.
I did find the movie a little creepy later. When I was lying in bed alone at the end of the day I started thinking about how very scary it would be if the events of the film actually took place in my home. Then I got it a little. It would scare the bejesus out of me if Chris stayed up all night rocking back and forth and staring at me while I sleep. Or if in the middle of the night something pulled me out of bed by my foot and dragged me down the hall. That’s right, no spoiler alert, I’m a fucking wild card.
What I found truly terrifying about this film is the relationship between the two main characters Katie and Micah. Their relationship throughout the film was like watching a train wreck. I find myself thinking; maybe this demon dude who’s stalking Katie night and day isn’t so bad. At least he’s dedicated. Maybe he just sees what a childish, egocentric, selfish prick Micah is and is really doing Katie a favour trying to eliminate him from her life. There would have to be bonuses to having a paranormal boyfriend. Seriously, Fuck Edward Cullen, I am going to date Zoonoo. Yeah, he’s from the 9th dimension of Hell, no big deal. He lives in my attic in some sort of nest and collects childhood pictures of me. Sometimes he gives me foot rubs and we listen to a little Buble (his choice, not mine). He also makes a badass quiche.

New Moon



A lot of people have asked when I am going to review this movie, especially since my scathing review of Twilight was a total riot. Am I right?! I am hesitant to even discuss the film because much to my disappointment it was not as awful as the first film. Let’s not get all ahead of ourselves and think that I’m saying it was good. My response to the film is simply “eh”. The “special effects” of this film were better than those of the first film. They definitely toned down the flamboyant glittering and took out the really terrible attempts at making vampires run inhumanly fast. Another reason this film wasn’t brain meltingly awful was that Robert Pattinson was barely in it. He always looks like he’s doing really hard math.
I can’t blame the movie for the horribly over dramatic break up between Bella and Edward because it just boils down to the fact the Stephanie Meyer is a hack writer. But I can point out that it seems a little odd that all the first nation characters in the film never wear shirts. I don’t really see why Jacob needs to take his shirt off to pat Bella’s bleeding head; the girl knows how to layer. She can use one of the FOUR fucking shirts she’s wearing. Anyways I figured out a thing or two about these “werewolves”. According to Jacob, they only become werewolves when vampires are about but I think that they simply become werewolves because they don’t like wearing shirts. They always get all hot and irritable before they hulk out and get all wolfy. Maybe they just need to try a more breathable cotton, a little Nike under armour maybe. It’s supposed to keep you warm, yet “wick” the sweat away from your body AND all the creepy Twilight fans can still see Taylor Lautner’s new steroid muscles rippling underneath.

Fantastic Mr. Fox



When I saw the preview for this film I kind of wrote it off as Wes Anderson attempting to keep up with Spike Jonze in the new venture of indie films for young hipsters. And while Anderson may be trying to stay on top of the mod filmmaking game, I believe he has created a very successful children’s film.
I am probably sort of the wrong person to review this film since I have never read the book. I’m going to argue that it allows me to be impartial. (pffft.) Anyways, like Jonze’s “Where the Wild Things Are”, Anderson makes an awesome film out of a relatively simple story. Unlike Jonze’s film, “Fantastic Mr. Fox” is ridiculously hilarious. The humour doesn’t seem that different from his other films such as “Royal Tenenbaums” and “The Life Aquatic” etc, but I feel like I laughed way more in this film than any of the others. The best most hilarious character of the film has to be Fox’s son Ash who is curmudgeonly and short. Jason Schwartzman’s dull unimpressed voice was perfect for the character and he was both hilarious and adorable.
The film played like a Wes Anderson film, with the same sort of color palette, set design and artistic feel. The soundtrack was predictably amazing and there were scenes that were muted and totally beautiful.
This movie didn’t make me want to die a little bit like “Wild Things” did. I think children will actually enjoy it. I also noticed that like “Tenenbaums” and “Life Aquatic” Anderson once again tackled the estranged relationships within the family unit, particularly between father and son. I think it is very possible he is working through some of his own daddy issues.

Avatar



1,167 words, that’s NOTHING! I’m just getting warmed up!
I heard about this project of James Cameron’s several years ago. A friend told me that he was working on this revolutionary film that was going to forever change the future of television. And then she told me it was like 4 years away from being released. Back then 2009 seemed so far away. But the day finally came and I couldn’t not attend opening weekend.
I gave up on IMAX pretty quick considering I do not feel the need to sit that close to a screen (trust me, my eyes were hurting in the regular theatre). If it was Omnimax it would have been an entirely different story but I saved the 3 bucks and saw it in one of the regular digital 3D theatres (how OLD FASHIONED!) Anyways, I got my favourite seats (back row, isle) and drooled over my companion’s whopper while the theatre filled up.
The 3D of this film is pretty insane at first. My eyes were seriously hurting and I felt a little nauseous ( I also skipped breakfast). But the whole “Oh wow it’s entirely 3D” thing starts to wear off after a while and you just accept it and even get totally used to it. This is why it is important for the plot to actually be stimulating.
The plot was definitely entertaining. It’s your basic stranger enters foreign world on behalf of his own selfish community, he adapts and learns, he becomes one of them, he fights the good fight and turns on his own kind. I loved “Dances With Wolves” and this film is essentially the same story, with more contemporary issues included, but it is MUCH prettier.
I’m not going to pretend that Cameron’s film changed my life in any way. That’s not what he does. “Terminator” was amazing but it wasn’t there to make you look deep inside yourself, it was created to thrill the fuck out of you. Cameron’s geeks created a visual presentation that has never been done before. The C.G and the live action in this film is practically seamless. I have never seen C.G create such life like representations. Needless to say my mind was blown.
It’s not even the special effects that made the film so stimulating. The world of Pandora that Cameron has created is so innovative and beautiful. The lights and the colors are totally magnificent. The tribe of the Na’vi people that the film centers on are totally awesome looking. I’m not gonna lie, I was totally crushing, which made me feel a little weird, since they are cat people.
I expect some people to not really enjoy the story Cameron tries to tell and some characters are kind of over the top (military personnel) but I don’t think that anyone can deny that the film is totally beautiful and impressive. Cameron pushed technologies to be developed so that he could create this film and I am so insanely glad he did.

This is why I can't stand Kristen Stewart: